[Interview] Ten Astonishing Things I Made Up While Interviewing Cracked.com’s Writers About Mario
#7: Level with me here: You guys really don’t play Mario games much, do you? We all know that those games are for babies and old people who are like babies.
Michael jumped in before any of us even had a chance to breathe;
“LIES! First off, I play plenty of Mawrio. Mawrio gets the rings and we kill the terrorists, it’s great. And secondly, I’ve known a number of babies and old people in my time, and I’ve got to say they couldn’t be more different. One of them HATES when I try to shovel mashed chickpea into their mouths while making an airplane noise, and the other is babies.”
How clever, I thought.
“I also don’t think many babies have the fine motor control to master Mario’s trickier jumping sections.”
It was at this point I realized I wouldn’t get a straight answer from Michael no matter what tactics I used. Fine. If he wanted to play hardball I could pretend to play hardball. I’m a real writer too, Michael! You just don’t understand!
“And finally, you’re adopted. I hope this answer was level enough for you.” he finished.
Well, it wasn’t level enough for me, I thought-came back with, But I’ll give Soren a chance to answer anyway.
“I honestly loved playing Mario Galaxy and Super Mario Bros. Wii. I think they’re great games.” He said honestly, “There’s something about them that appeals to the neurotic, “collecting” side of me. I want to unlock every level, collect every star, and hoard as many coins as I can and both games will let you do that, infinitely. In fact, I feel like Mario games could be like a Nicorette patch for hoarders. You still get to keep everything you find but it all fits on the system’s memory card.”
Man, I thought to myself because this interview was totally conducted in real time, This is like good cop bad cop only instead of cops they’re writers, and instead of being “good” and “bad” they’re “really sarcastic” and “less sarcastic”
Again, not a quite the answer I was going for. I needed a big punch that would get me more hits but they weren’t giving it to me, so I’d have to stray away from direct punches and away from friendly banter. I’d have to go right for the logic train, and I knew just how to do it.
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#6: – Speaking of [babies], does this mean that Baby Mario is also a dick with a moustache? Babies can’t grow moustaches. Check and mate.
“C’mon,” Soren interjected, “babies aren’t responsible for their own actions. They’re just babies. Calling a baby a dick makes you kind of a dick.”
This was a classic example of using faulty logic to deflect faulty logic, and man was it airtight. I couldn’t have broken his resolve even if I had a +2 in Resolve Break. Maybe Michael’s insights would prove fruitful.
“I refuse to acknowledge the existence of Baby Mario, or any babyfied versions of popular characters. It’s made my life very difficult. But can you blame me? The Muppet Babies, just as one example, is totally inaccurate! All of those babies should have bearded hippy guys with their hands up their butts. Let’s be HONEST for once, Muppet Babies.”
Nope. No fruit here. Just mindless nonsense. Sounds like these guys are beginning to play my game. Or maybe I’m playing their game. Or maybe it’s Jigsaw’s game and we’re all playing it.
Regardless, it was time to drop the Mario thing and go on the attack.
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#5: Why is this the first After Hours of 2012? It’s March already. You’re late or something.
A biting question from me indeed, with a clear and strong motive that showed an unshakable dedication to finding the truth.
“We needed January and February to write out enough episodes for a whole season. We plan on releasing them a lot more frequently and with more regularity than we did before.” Soren answered with more honesty rarely seen on the Internet, “For season one, we would write about two at a time, film them, edit them, collect the animations from the animation team and scramble to produce one episode a month. Also, when I say ‘we’ I mean everyone who isn’t me. Our animators are rarely discussed and they do an extraordinary amount of work that ties the entire show together. Michael and Cody tirelessly edit the episodes along with Justin Viar, the director, who also does a thousand other things to make the show happen. This is all in addition to everyone’s normal job as well so in order to put out an episode every other week, we needed a few months of 2012 just to get ahead.”
I nodded at Soren and I was certain that his shout-outs would be appreciated by those who deserved them, but I couldn’t let the interview stagnate into normality. If I asked another question that had a generic answer that they’ve probably gone over in millions of interviews before, no one would want to read onward. I needed to create drama. I needed some tension.
Click Here For Page 3, Where I Create Tension
