[Interview] Ten Astonishing Things I Made Up While Interviewing Cracked.com’s Writers About Mario
#4: So, between the four of you it’s safe to say that you’ve garnered billions if not trillions of laughs throughout the world- from the United States to Africa and everywhere in between. Which of you is the funniest?
Forcing them to choose between each other would weed out the weaklings- or so I figured, but once again I was countered with utmost precision by Mr. Swaim.
“Am I allowed to ask you that? I think you should say who’s the funniest in the article. Break that story, man. Let’s be HONEST for once, NintendoEverything.”
It’s as though he had read all of my articles and knew I was never honest and spent almost my entire career making up opinions and treating them as fact. Blast! If ever I had a worthy interview opponent, it was these two. Soren jumped in with an answer to the first half of my question.
“That is safe, yes. Assuming you mean that the laughs are traveling west across the Pacific and wrapping all the way around, not the other way”, he spoke as though he was a high school teacher of geology, “The only reason is that it’s kind of a straight shot across the Atlantic to get to Africa so you’re really only saying we play well in the open sea, which, I guess could be true. I’d have to look at the analytics. I’d like to think we do better on landmass though.”
He was probably right about doing better on landmass, but who am I to speak about such things?
“Asking which person I think is the funniest is like asking which of my children I love the most. You can’t ask someone to choose like that especially when the rest of them will inevitably read this.”
He saw right through my plan as well.
“But just so we’re clear, it’s Michael.” he finished.
Le sigh, I sighed, I guess I might as well go after Soren for his economic policies.
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#3: Soren, your professionally written biography states you have a vast fortune that’s in jeopardy. When you get it back, what’s the first thing you’re going to do with it?
“I’d like to honor my family by way of complex and indirect revenge plot against the mugger who killed my parents outside a theater. Well, a plot against crime in general, really. I intend to turn myself into a sort of symbol representing honor and virtue, and above all, fear. It’s complicated, you probably wouldn’t understan–”
“Fun Soren Fact:” Michael jumped in like a sweaty summer-time polar bear into a pool filled with cold water that it would want to jump into because it likes cold things more than hot things, “He’s a terrible guy. He got that fortune by skinning seals and illegally trading the pelts for guns, which he used to beat endangered buffalo to death for their valuable pelts (to trade for bullets). Now he’s armed!”
I’m guessing Soren appreciated the hell out of that comment after naming Michael funny man #1 in response to my last question. My plan is working! Time to knock them off their feet by taking a statement and simply adding a question mark.
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#2: A lot of people have given your After Hours series critical acclaim?
“To our faces, absolutely.” Soren opened up cleanly and plainly.
“Yeah,” Michael said, “but none of it meant a damn thing ’till we got the NintendoEverything bump, AM I RIGHT?!”
“No, I don’t think that’s righ–” I began to say, but was cut off.
“You can’t tell, but I’m wearing my whole NE jumpsuit I had made while typing these answers.”
“Yea well I’m wearing my giant stra–” I tried to come back, but was interrupted yet again.
“It’s gray.”
That sarcastic bastard just wasn’t going to stop, but luckily I’m the interviewer so I can say whatever I want.
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#1: Lastly, a question from our readers: What kind of soap do you use?
Soren was the only one to answer this final question. I guess it’s sort of fitting that way.
“Irish Spring.” he said, “I only use soap that also features knives in the commercials.”
The end. I’m done interviewing. Forever.
Until next week probably.
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Thanks to Evan for setting this up, and of course to Michael and Soren for answering whatever nonsense popped into my head. I appreciate the fact that neither of them took it seriously, because it makes my job a lot easier and more entertaining.
Okay guys, go become fans of their video series forever n stuff!
