Unraveling the 3DS conspiracy: Three scenarios that explain how Nintendo’s so called “gaming device” works

2. Energy Vampires

I was looking on Yahoo Answers to see if anyone else had my same thoughts regarding the 3DS, and while (so far) the majority of the public seems to be in the dark regarding this demonic technology, one post stood out and ended up being more helpful than I would have thought:

Why it makes sense:

I immediately looked up these so called “energy vampires”, and the second post about them was none other than a wikipedia entry. I was ecstatic, because anything that is on Wikipedia is confirmed to exist in real life, and I immediately closed my browser and began thinking up possible scenarios as to how they may be able to get these vampires to cooperate with their manipulation of handheld gaming technology. Then it hit me.

It has been said that these so called “energy vampires” feed off of people’s happy emotions and leave them feeling sad or depressed afterwards. Well, according to the so called “book” Twilight, real vampires don’t have to eat humans, and they can go in the sunlight without burning up into dust, essentially saying that everything we knew about vampires was the opposite of the truth. Since Twilight lore regarding blood drinkers is accepted by mainstream culture as fact, I figure that the same must be true for these so called “energy vampires”. They must not feed off of happy feelings at all. In fact, they probably feed off of the opposite: sad feelings. Bear with me, because this is where you mind is about to be blown.

The 3DS is obviously being manipulated by some sort of supernatural being in order to do the insane things it does and still be sold at a fairly low price, and if we accept that these so called “energy vampires” feed off of our sad feelings and emotions and then use that energy to create the 3D images that we see on our 3DS screens, the scenario should look something like this:

> Person buys 3DS
> Person turns on 3DS
> 3D images appear due to energy vampires manipulating the screen
> Person suddenly becomes very happy

That last step? You guessed it. We’re not happy because the 3DS is so darn cool. In reality, we’re just happy because energy vampires have eaten all of our sad thoughts in order to power the 3D screen. The implications of this are, without a doubt, massive, but I will cover everything you need to know about Nintendo’s energy vampires in another article that will go up later this week. Don’t worry, you will not be left unprotected.

3. The 3DS doesn’t actually exist

Magicians like Harry Houdini have been around for a very long time, performing shows for people since the dawn of the dinosaurs and keeping the populace entertained. Some magicians have even mastered the art of creating optical illusions to trick people into thinking that something exists, when in reality it actually doesn’t. These illusions have gotten better and better, until finally we’ve been able to harness the ability to trick people into thinking something is good, when it really isn’t at all. (see ‘Gears of War’)

At Nintendo, the geniuses in the R&D department have finally figured out how to create something that doesn’t exist and convince our brains that it does exist. This is where the 3DS comes in.

The Evidence:

Of course, any good magician can’t keep up his illusion forever. In fact, it’s often impossible for them to do it for more than an hour or two at a time. Wait a second, can someone remind me what the battery life of a fully-in-use 3DS actually is?

Coincidence? Or is the magician standing outside your house when you play 3DS getting tired?

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For more stuff by Austin, check out his weekly video series, where he talks about all things relating to Nintendo.