[Nintendo Everything Christmas Special] The true meaning of Christmas is Toad on a snowboard

Hey everyone, it’s Patrick here and throughout this week I’ll be celebrating Christmas in the only way relevant to this website – by taking a look at a bunch of terrible Christmas specials based on various Nintendo titles. First up is the Super Mario Bros. Super Show – a late-80’s TV program featuring cartoons based on Super Mario Bros. and Zelda. This Christmas episode —Koopa Klaus— is one of the rare episodes of the show  that isn’t just a reference to a popular movie like  “Raiders of the Lost Mushroom” or “On Her Majesty’s Sewer Service”, but that doesn’t make it any less awful.

The episode opens with the villain formerly known as King Koopa destroying a bunch of toys because, get this, he hates Christmas. Why does he hate it? Nobody knows, but he constantly reminds you of it by repeating the phrase “Bah Humkoop” throughout the entire episode.

So anyway, the king (who is now referring to himself as “Koopa Klaus”) flies off to the North Pole to ruin Christmas, but it turns out Mario and the gang are there because they took a wrong turn on the way to Hawaii.

And that’s why Mario is wearing a sombrero

Toad convinces everyone that they might as well go visit Santa’s workshop while they’re at the North Pole. Toad loves him some presents and, just like with Koopa’s catchprase, he keeps going on about them in an annoying tone of voice that only he could pull off.

Princess Toadstool gives Toad a snowboard as an early Christmas present, which he then spends what seems like an eternity riding around on. Suddenly Koopa Klaus shows up, drops a couple of bob’ombs on the crew and heads off to encase Santa’s workshop in ice. Yes, he wants to freeze the North Pole.

That plan is almost as great as the animation

He actually succeeds at it too, because when Mario and pals show up to the workshop the whole place is already frozen solid and Koopa Klaus is making off with Santa. Time to chase him across the same looping background!

Picture this repeated for five minutes straight.

Finally they catch up with Koopa, who threatens to throw Santa off a cliff. Rather than actually tossing Santa into the abyss (he does hate Christmas, after all), Koopa Klaus decides to shout “BAH HUMKOOP” enough times to cause an avalanche. Luckily for Santa, Mario is there to save the day with his trusty whip.

You know, Mario’s whip

Koopa Klaus is now floating away on an iceberg (which he helpfully explains to the audience), but Santa’s workshop won’t be thawed out in time Santa to make his deliveries. Oh no! Christmas is ruined! “At least I got my present!” says Toad, still riding around on that bloody snowboard.

‘It’s…it’s very nice, Toad’

Princess Toadstool explains to Toad that he’s been nothing but a selfish jerk for the entire episode. Toad then proceeds to donate his snowboard to Santa, an act of such cheer generosity that it moves Santa to tears. Yes, Toad is now held up as a selfless paragon of charity whose “Christmas cheer” can move Santa to tears. He’s basically George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life if he were a mushroom.

And just when you think it can’t get any stupider…

…it does

The sheer Christmas spirit given off by Santa’s tears and Toad’s snowboard somehow melts all the ice, meaning that Christmas is saved (and sea levels are rising). Everyone rides along with Santa as he goes about delivering toys and this awful Christmas special comes to a close. But hey, at least it wasn’t another parody of “A Christmas Carol”.

As I’m sure plenty of you know, the most interesting thing about the Super Mario Bros. Super Show was that it consisted both of the cartoon and live-action segments starring Danny Wells and the late Captain Lou Albano as the two brothers living together in an apartment. And it stands to reason that the live-action portion should also have its own Christmas special. For whatever reason this Christmas episode —titled Santa Claus is Coming to Flatbush— aired alongside a dumb Star Wars parody.

“Someone must penetrate the Koopstar in a Mushroom Starfighter and disable the Birdo Ray!”

Mario and Luigi are trying to celebrate Christmas, but they don’t have enough cash to buy food, let alone presents. If only they lived in some universe where they could hit a block and coins would pop out. Mario invites an old guy with a suspiciously white beard and red outfit to join them on Christmas Eve and the brothers go out of the way to make him feel welcome – even by donating their presents (none of which was a snowboard).

Yeah, the show still has guys walking around in hokey costumes and an omnipresent laugh track, but it has its heart in the right place – at least by comparison to the animated special.

I hope you all enjoyed these specials more than I enjoyed constantly rewatching them (actually, I don’t think it’s possible to enjoy them less than I did). Stick around for the next few days to see me rediscover an old Christmas special I’m actually familiar with. There will be blackface.

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show is pretty terrible, but if you really want you can find copies of the DVDs on Amazon. Give a Christmas gift guaranteed to make people hate you!